


Untitled AOC JDatE crossover

by H3C70R



Category: Agents of Cracked, John Dies at the End - David Wong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 18:25:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9561386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/H3C70R/pseuds/H3C70R
Summary: A fairly nonsensical story trying to have fun with some alternate universe/time travel stuff because Soy Sauce that ends pretty disappointingly (You're warned, the ending sucks).





	

Ch.1 - Magic the Gathering 

 

An aging VW station wagon made its way briskly down the interstate, followed closely by a squad of angry-looking armored black SUV's.

"So, I know I've been PRETTY annoying this whole car ride, but, I'd like to stress, AGAIN, they are RIGHT behind us."

Michael's concern echoed throughout the vehicle, just in a more subdued 'we're professional' sort of way. The only noticeable reaction was Daniel pushing the VW's 'sport' button. No one felt any sportier, and John looked annoyed that he'd even thought of it.

"Really man?" John slid out the side of his mouth while simultaneously cocking an eyebrow, 

"Think about it... This thirty year old, rolling death-trap. Even if I was looking at 'sharper gear changes' or a 'firmer suspension' it still wouldn't do shit against... well... whatever those things are."

The matte black, death squad behind them was inching ever closer. John thought it'd be a good idea to get on the highway, try to get some cars between them and 'Them'. It had worked for a bit and neither side was breaking the speed limit by any real appreciable amount. Somehow, they just kept getting closer.

Saving his brain power until he could be useful, Dave finally spoke up.

"John... Is there any sauce left in here?"

A quick pause, John had to let the synapses warm up for a second before he could do any real remembering.

"Yeah, I keep a couple of doses in the glovebox."

Dave continued,

"Whatever it is they have in store for us, it is happening soon. We all need to take some sauce, trip out, and wherever we wind up, will be not here, and therefore, out of harms way, theoretically."

Dave was really glad Amy hadn't been in the car to hear that. John was always up to get high, but Dave knew how bad of a plan this really was. He supposed that's why they call them 'last ditch efforts'.

They agreed that John should dose last, since he was indeed driving, Dave would go after Michael and Daniel, which just left those two to decide who went first. Dan decided for them.

"O-K, Michael, you like this crazy shit, just take it."

Michael continued looking at Dan as if it wasn't his turn to talk yet.

"Take the drugs. Just this once, I am telling you, take drugs. Michael."

A small shrug and Michael seemed content; he grabbed the passenger seat and propelled himself up towards the front of the car, putting his face right in Dan's crotch.

"And you two are sure there's nothing... going on there..." Dave asked, almost accusingly.

"Hey, guy, if I need to stick my face in some crotch to get hard drugs I WILL. Switch seats with Dan, I'll give you the full chin graze... Whaddya say?"

"I didn't mean to offend, or, um, whatever, grab the sauce, those luxury Batmobiles that are chasing us are starting to like... box us in."

"I was so excited about the drugs I forgot all abo-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

The VW was run off the highway, and was careening over the side of an off-ramp, into a nice soft patch of pavement, when it vanished entirely.

All six vehicles 'They' sent to track down David Wong, John Cheese, Michael Swaim, and Daniel O'Brien came screeching to a halt around where the twisted wreckage would have been. A large man with a high-tech prosthetic leg was the first to come barreling out of his vehicle, handgun already drawn and at the ready, aimed at... nothing.

The figure leaned his head down slightly and vocalized into a throat mic,

"EEEEEEEEEeeeEEeEEEEEEeeeAHHHAHHHHeeek"

His earpiece gave a response

"Find them."

The figure let out a shorter but still highly annoying shriek. Letting his superior know he understood.

 

 

Ch. 2 - John and Michael's Excellent Adventure

Two of the four men lay groaning in the middle of a cornfield. They'd just been transported to a place familiar to one of them, just not as familiar as he thought. 

John stood up first, brushing himself off, and took a look around.

"Damn, it has been too long since I've been home, probably why the sauce took us here, I was thinking about this cornfield when we... wait..."

Michael didn't wait, and decided to interrupt,

"You think about cornfields when you wait? What am I even supposed to do with that information?"

John closed his eyes for a second, finding composure. Soysauce always made him want a drink and a cigarette and another drink and a cigarette.

"I said wait, because my brain did its intended job for once and figured some shit out. This cornfield isn't shouldn't be here, leveled when REPER came in and set up their basecamp for the grand finale of that... thing I shouldn't talk about... Regardless, cornfield, not supposed to exist."

"Maybe the corn grew back."

It was a fair point, John didn't want to say so, and instead he just grunted and tilted his head in the direction of the main street. Universal code for "we're going this way".

Things didn't just 'grow back' in [UNDISCLOSED] and there was a reason why this particular place at that particular moment was where they wound up. He just needed to think, and walking a few miles to the one road wide enough for two cars would give him plenty of time for that.

"Seriously, corn is like, ninety percent seeds, if you think about it hombre."

Michael said, as if allergic to silence, testing John's patience.

"Shut up, and don't call me 'hombre'"

"Yeah, Dan didn't like it either. HEY! Do you think we'll meet up with Dan and your boyfriend?"

Patience wearing thinner,

"What?! He isn't my boyfriend. And no, I doubt it. They're probably a million miles away doing something way more important than what we got going on."

Still not taking the social cue, Michael continued to ponder their predicament.

"Probably, I don't think anything important has ever happened in the middle of a cornfield... maybe a super shitty wedding proposal... I hope they said no, 'WITH THE POWER VESTED IN CORN I POP-OUNCE YOU HUS-"

And, John had just had it.

"SHUT UP! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! How does that walking, bespectacled pussy put up with you!?"

"Usually by yelling at me like you are now, and then I ignore him and keep going. It's kind of my thing."

"I will kill you."

John turned directly to Michael and looked him dead in the eyes, to hammer that last point home.

"Wow, You actually sound like you mean it. Kind of a turn on."

John's mental gears went passed 'wound down' and started grinding.

"You just said you weren't gay in the car... however long ago that was?"

Michael took his turn to looked annoyed,

"I said nothing was going on between me and Mr. Daniel O'Boring. Gender isn't supes important, it's the DANGER I'm after."

John could muster the gumption to look confused, and not much else. Swaim continued,

"Come on, it's like looking at a blender when it's turned on... I know I shouldn't, but I REALLY WANT TO."

"Just... shut up, I need to... continue thinking. I also need a drink."

The time crawled as they walked through endless rural landscape. John trying to deduce why they'd really been brought here, Michael drumming on the ears of corn passing by, with two other ears of corn.

John knew the sauce kept you in its trip until you figured it out, figured out the thing you had change to make things right. Then BAM back to reality, oop there goes gravity, lose yourself in th... 

"MICHAEL SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"Sorry, I rap when I'm nervous."

John closed his eyes in frustration for about the thousandth time since they'd crash landed, saying kind of under his breath, but loud enough for Michael to hear it,

"If I kill you, will I have to kill that Dan guy too?"

Of course, Michael responded to the rhetorical question,

"Yeah, but I wouldn't worry, he's a total pussover. It's like a combination of a pussy and a pushover; I like to call it a 'Daniel O'Brien'."

"Good point, now continue shutting up."

Finally, civilization... relatively. It was the burrito stand. John felt obliged to introduce Michael to it properly, as annoying as his guest was, he was a guest to [UNDISCLOSED] and guests had to have a spicy chorizo burrito.

"Alright, for now, a truce. I am starving, and we're having burritos."

Michael looked at the place, even to him, it was worrying. And he'd eaten rubber bands for breakfast.

"Uhhhhahhhhh I mean, are you... sure about this place?"

John couldn't believe the level of disrespect being shown at this, the holiest of all establishments.

"Listen shitstick, this place has the best damn burritos filled with the spiciest meatstuff. As a matter of  
Fact, I like these burritos so much, The MAGIC DOOR around the side, is less important than my meat and bean and cheese babies."

"Holy shit. And you think I'm weird... anyway, I guess lets... have at it."

John couldn't believe the door thing didn't work, everyone wanted to know about the magic teleportation door.

"Don't even care about the magic door? I was trying to... fuck it... yeah, let eat."

Michael's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates,

"YOU DIDN'T SAY WE GOT TO FUCK THE MAGIC DOOR! LET'S GO!"

 

  
Ch. 3 - David and Daniel's Bogus Journey

 

David Wong 'woke up', as his mind put it, sitting in a comfortable office chair, staring at a desktop computer monitor. The website Cracked.com was the homepage of his browser. 

After a few moments of complete confusion, he decided to look around. Nothing of interest in the drawers of the desk, nothing interesting under the desk, on the desk, around the desk... really nothing interesting at all in here. Some pictures of people he didn't know was about all the personal effects he could find. 

With bated breath, he did the next logical thing... Opened the door to what he presumed was 'his' office, and took a look at what lay beyond it.

It was a cubicle farm, but all the desks had random touches of pop culture paraphernalia strewn about. Mustachioed Batman statues, a bunch of green plastic masks, even an action figure of... Daniel O'Brien? Was he famous? 

Living in [Undisclosed] is a lot like living under a rock, but, they had TV, movies, internet, etc... Anyone with an action figure would have showed up on Dave's radar at SOME point... and more to the point... where the hell was Dan? 

Before much more investigating could take place, a medium height, pretty fit looking guy with short spiked blonde hair walked up to David.

"Hey man, good to see you in the office again, I thought you were just a full-time... book... writer guy... You here for the big meeting? "

David had no idea, who this man was, or what he wanted... or for that matter, what this big meeting was about.

"Uhhhh... yeah... stoked."

The blonde guy seemed to expect a different, less confused answer.

"Is this like... a prank or something? I tried to talk to Dan and he kept calling me Thelonious... which is awesome... but... ultimately confusing nonetheless..."

"OH! You've seen Dan, where is he?"

"Ahh, the first normal thing you've said. He should still be, uh, cowering, at his desk... I think... he was pretending to work."

"Thanks... man."

"My name is Soren, in case you were wondering, person I've known for years..."

With that, David was off to find Daniel. Leaving this 'Soren' and his strange name standing confused in the middle of the hallway. It wasn't a far walk, since the office wasn't really that big.

"Dude, what the hell is going on?"

Daniel was flabbergasted Dave assumed he'd know.

"I haven't the foggiest idea, man... There's a tiny me on this desk, it says 'Agents of Cracked'... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?! All my horses are gone; I asked to see The Chief and this weird guy with glasses just stared at me like I was crazy!"

"Shit... I was hoping this was like... your alternate universe or something..."

"I don't HAVE alternate universes; Michael probably has something to do with this... He made me take that drug wrong, or something... wacky hijinks are ALWAYS his fault..."

The conversation sputtered to a stop there, neither one having anything useful to say. They wordlessly decided to head for an exit.

 

Ch. 4 - Pulp Friction

 

John walked up to the burrito stand and ordered his usual choice, twice, so his annoying cohort could learn the meaning of respect.

"I'll have two spicy chorizo burritos, one side of guac, for me."

"I'm sorry sir, we don't serve chorizo here, it's a good idea, but for now you can have carnitas, barbacoa, or seitan."

John tried to feign ignorance, since he was already pretty sure they were in the past.

"You guys have served chorizo since the summer of 2003!"

Apparently he landed the 'feigned' part a little too well.

"Ha! That is funny sir, I get it now, oooohhh a time traveler! I want to play along!"

"Um... wow... can you just tell me what year it is?"

"It is the distant, far off, and STRRAAANNNGGEEE time of spring 2001. So, advanced traveler, got any stock tips? Super Bowl scores?"

This was now the 5th separate thing getting on John's nerves, for more reasons than finally confirming he was indeed stuck in the past. Stuck in the past with a total retard. Who was... trying to herd pigeons?

"HEY! MICHAEL! GET OVER HERE!"

Michael decided to not go with the Mortal Kombat reference barrage he had just planned. Instead standing with a blank face, seemingly at attention, waiting for John's plan.

"We are in the past, that cashier/fry-cook just told me it's 2001 currently."

Michael now genuinely shocked, tried his hand at responding.

"Well... I am pretty out of my depth, and I can't think of any sick verses to rap, despite how nervous I now am. So... what do we do?"

John paused and lit a cigarette, enjoying leaving Michael in suspense. After a rather large and exaggerated drag, he finally answered.

"That, my idiot friend, is a very good question."

Michael started beaming,

"Awwwww, I'm your friend!"

"Oh my god, shut up. We can determine our next step fairly easily; it'll just take some time. Possibly a really long time."

Michael stopped beaming,

"I was kidding, mostly, when I said that stuff in the cornfield. What happens in the cornfield stays in the cornfield!!!"

"Ew, no, I meant we need to just... walk around town. However long it takes, we have to find something else, besides us, that doesn't belong here."

At that, they set off down the street. After a short while of mostly silent, kind of observant walking, John saw a familiar face, Todd Brinkermeyer. He was about a year older than Dave, the three of them didn't hang out a lot, but a friendly face was a friendly face in this situation.

"Hey man, what's up?"

Todd responded by grabbing John's forehead, leaching the Soysauce out of his system through his pores, once John was dried up, his body folded into a crack of the space-time continuum. Todd followed suit. Leaving Michael alone in [Undisclosed], in the past. 

 

Ch. 5 - Hit, Split, or Double Dan

 

Daniel and Dave sneaked out the side door, and immediately ran into a bit of a complication, Daniel O'Brien and Michael Swaim. Definitely not the same Daniel and Dave was also pretty sure this wasn't the same Michael he had been with prior to taking the sauce. 

He didn't really know how to handle this situation, but it needed handling, running seemed out of the question. Mainly because the alternate DOB and Swaim were standing slack-jawed, blocking the doorway. He had to think of something to say, and fast.

"Uh, this isn't what it looks like."

The alternate universe Daniel was quick to respond.

"IT LOOKS LIKE THAT GUY IS ME! WHY IS HE ME!? AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!"

Dave didn't like where this was heading. He'd noticed a green screen and camera equipment in the offices they passed, he tried to roll with that.

"He is... your... stunt double! For that, video, you're gonna be in. GREAT casting, am I right? I'm his agent, David Wong."

It was alternate Michael's turn to point out what should have been obvious.

"We were just at lunch with David Wong, well, Jason Pargin, it's just a pen name... and you couldn't possibly be him, we dropped him off at the airport!"

This was it; a decision had to be made.

"DANIEL, GRAB YOURSELF, I'LL GET MICHAEL!"

Daniel and Dave bum rushed the alternate universe people and tackled them to the ground, alternate Daniel was out cold from the landing, alternate Michael was still struggling. Dave had to end this, people were definitely watching.

"Hey, guy, this can all be explained, but, we need some privacy, and more importantly, a vehicle, so we can get the fuck out of here. I'm pretty sure about five people are calling the cops right now."

Completely flummoxed by the request, Michael was barely able to respond.

"YOU ATTACKED ME!"

Dave took in and let out a deep breath. He punched alternate Michael as hard as he could in the temple, knocking him unconscious. He got car keys out of his pocket, hit the panic button to figure out which one he was about to steal. While his mental gears were still turning, Daniel interrupted.

"What are we doing?! We just assaulted these two people, and now we're dragging their bodies to a car, that we're going to steal, what is your endgame here!?"

"I dunno I'm figuring it out as I go. Just follow me. Once these guys are awake, we gotta convince them to help us."

"Help us? They're internet writers, not like me, where 'writing for the internet' involves gun fights and mace pranks, they just... type stuff. How will they be useful?"

"I told you I'm figuring this out as I go. Now hurry up, I hear sirens."

It was too late; some all too familiar looking black SUV's were already surrounding them. The man with the crazy fake leg and weird voice got out and aimed a weapon at Daniel and Dave. Daniel thought it was a toy, 

Dave knew exactly what it was. 

Somehow, he had the furgun.

"Hey! Where did you get that!?"

The mysterious man emitted an ear-piercing shriek.

"That... didn't really answer my question."

The man tried to fire the weapon, nothing happened.

"HA! You don't even know how to work it." is what Dave said

The rest that played in his head was "You shitlord. Hand it over and I'll make your face into a tutorial!"

Before Dave could pretend to be witty again, he was hit on the back of the head with a bludgeon, as was Daniel. 

Now all four of them, Dave, Daniel, alternate Daniel, and alternate Michael were on the pavement unconscious, being scooped up by people wearing black hazmat suits with REPER stenciled on the front.

 

Ch. 6 – The Mediocre at Best Escape

 

After being dragged through two separate stitches in the universe, David, Daniel, and John reunited. In a dark, dank, disgusting prison cell, but reunited regardless. 

Daniel noticed what was missing first,

"Hey, where the hell is Michael?!"

John looked around his person, having already assumed Michael would be with him.

"Shit, I figured he'd be here."

Pause for effect and a cigarette

"I guess Todd didn't need him."

Dave was now thoroughly confused,

"Todd? Who the hell is Todd?"

"You know, Todd Brinkmeyer? He ate it during our, uh... road trip to Vegas... but I was in the past, 2001 to be exact, and he was still around. Not overly friendly, he sucked me through this wormhole shit and now I'm here with you two dingbats."

Dave went from confused, to terrified.

"John, you remember what happened to Todd in Vegas, right? He didn't catch a stray bullet, or get stabbed, or maimed, or decapitated, or... whatever. The shadows got him. He shouldn't have been in 2001, he shouldn't be anywhere, you shouldn't have even remembered him... come to think of it, neither should I..."

"Yeah, neither of us is near drunk enough for that."

Daniel decided he wanted some attention,

"Hey guys, while I am, definitely, sharing your look of concern... I think at this point you need to clarify some stuff. Who was leg guy with the spike gun? Who is Todd? Time travel is real? What happened in Vegas? Shadows? The fuck? TIME TRAVEL IS REAL?!"

Dave and John both started their own explanations, of the answers they had anyway. Cutting each other off and stumbling over each other’s words, Daniel realized, these two probably didn't know all that much more than he did.

"Fine, never mind. Later, or, whatever. For now, any bright ideas on escaping, you guys?"

Both John and Dave stood motionless for a couple of seconds, pondering the question. Dave answered first,

"Escaping wouldn't work; they have this whole 'Quantum Leap' thing going on. If we stuck a lock pick through that keyhole, who knows where it would end up coming out. Probably a whole wall of keyholes at the Warden's desk, so he can see whose trying to escape."

"That is the most terrifying thing I've ever heard."

John interjected,

"That's nothing; imagine there's this bad storm, you go down to your basement to tend to the flooding, and what do you see there, Daniel, but a twenty-three foot Great White Shark!"

"That's impossible."

Dave now interjecting, trying to reign in his cohorts,

"It was only an eight foot Tiger Shark, but yeah, it's possible, back to the topic at hand. What do we do about our situation here?"

The three of them had been so enamored in their increasingly circuitous conversation; they hadn't noticed their cell door was now unlocked, and ajar. 

Michael was standing in the doorway.

"Come on, we gotta blow this shindig before the coffee gets hot!"

The other three stood in wide-eyed amazement. Behind Michael was a trail of dead guards, Todd was down for the count, and something was chewing on a combat boot that had been lost by a guard in the apparent scuffle.

Daniel responded first,

"I figured coffee was supposed to be hot? More importantly, how did you do... whatever it is that you did...?”

"Oh, it was easy. This cutie found me in [Undisclosed] and basically led the way. It's a good thing I can't die permanently, because otherwise this whole thing would have been a wash."

As if on cue, the shape stopped chewing on the boot, and trotted into the prison cell.

"Molly!"

Dave exclaimed, as if the dog didn't already know it was where it was.

All five of them walked out through the front door of the building they had been held in, which was apparently an empty warehouse in downtown Seattle.

"Well shit", John mused, "How the hell do we get back from here?"

Dave though for a minute, and didn't have much luck with a plan.

"Yeah, I dunno... Also, what ever happened to those alternate versions of Michael and Daniel?"

"Who knows", Daniel started, "Let's just get the hell out of here and never cross paths again. You guys are fucking weird."

And with that Michael and Daniel went their way, commandeering a nearby hot air balloon. John hotwired the most inconspicuous car he could find, and drove himself and David in the direction of home.


End file.
